Not many people know this, but I am a fan of horror. This was surprising even to me, because I didn’t use to like horror until recently, when I discovered that scaring the living daylights out of myself was kind of fun. My first horror film was Pan’s Labyrinth, which I watched when I was eleven or twelve, and I was scared shitless. I mean, I don’t even think the main genre for the film was horror, but there was one scene that absolutely scared everyone with whom I was watching with, which were my friends, who were around the same age I was. I mean, you can’t look at this picture, when you’re eleven, and not get nightmares:
Since then, I’ve always loved frightening myself, because it can be so hilarious to watch. It’s like, you’re invincible during the day, but at night, all the power you felt before vanished, without a trace. So, a huge thanks to Leanne @ Literary Excursion for creating such an awesome event for me to have fun with!
Today’s post is going to be an interview with a zombie, whom I feel are very misunderstood creatures. I was lucky enough to
capture convince one of them to leave their natural habitat — which is usually in the dark alley of a busy street — and give us some insight into the life of a zombie. Below is what I could make out above the moans and groans.
First, what do we call you, Mr. Zombie?
Arghhhh… I used to beeeeee calleddddd Billlllyyyy — hrrrrrrnnn.
Hi, Mr. Billy! Okay, on to the next question. I think what everyone is wondering about right now is how did you die?
I caaaaaan’tt reallyyyy rememberrr — graaaahg — it had something to doooo with a aaaahhhh cup of coffeeeee. I draaank it as usual one morn — urp — ning, and I started feeeeeeeeling queerrrr about halfway throoouugh work. I must have passed… ouhhh — out, and then the nextttt thinggg I rememberrr is wakinggg up surrrounded by my brethrenn.
Good God, it must have been your wife!
My wiffeeee would neeeevveerrrr do — graeeekkk — anything like thaaaaaat, humaaan! Don’t make me eeaaaat yourrrr BRRAAAAAAINSS!
Calm the heck down, Bill. I was kidding. Hmm. A zombie apocalypse through some virus in the water, huh? Well then, would you mind sharing with us what you and your, ah, brethren do on a usual weekday?
Oouuurrrr favorriteee passttiime is people huntinggg. [At this point, Mr. Billy seems to regain a little bit of human speech. (Nah, I’ve just grown tired to recording down all his little grunts and zombie sounds.)] People hunting involves standing in the shadow of a tall building and then snatching anyone who walks by us. We have contests, see, to see who captures the most number of humans. The winner gets to — omnomhnomh [Billy chews on his dead fingers] — keep the skulls of these humans. The necromancer says whoever collects a hundred thousand skulls will get to rest in peace.
Whoa, hold up — necromancer? Who is this little jerk, screwing around with people’s deaths?
We don’t know who he is. He comes during hibernation and leaves us notes on pieces of dried meat. Sometimes we have to tear the zombie who ate the meat apart to get to the note. [Billy grins] Zombies aren’t as dumb as you think.
*swallows* How many skulls have you collected so far?
Only three. [Billy sighs]
So why do humans have the misconception that zombies are brainless creatures who eat brains?
We like to play dumb. It’s easier to catch humans that way. And eating brains does nothing to boost our intelligence. All it does is build up fat, really, which makes us slower and dulls our senses, a little like alcohol. But the brain is the best tasting part of the human body. Hmm!
Do you like being a zombie, Billy? Do you miss being human?
[Pause] Yes. I miss my wife, and my living life. But being a zombie has its perks: you don’t need to work to live. You don’t need to eat to live. You don’t need to worry about anything to live. All you need to do is stay out of the Zombie Lord’s way and moan and groan and act like how those stereotype zombies act like — which is absolutely degrading, let me tell you. We’ve even started a union to try to stop the spread of the “stereotypical zombies.” These groups of zombies think it’s cool to act the way human media has portrayed us. It’s degrading!
What are some tips you’d give to someone who wants to stay alive?
Avoid the Las Vegas Strip if you want to live to see another sunrise. [Billy grins evilly]
All right, then! Thanks for agreeing to this interview, Billy — I appreciate it lots. Hopefully this will raise human awareness to the dreadful “stereotypical zombies” movement, and–
Wait. I’m not finished yet.
Oh, um, yes, Bil–?
Billy lunges toward me; I try to duck, but I’m too late. I feel his grimy hands around my neck, his snapping jaws drawing nearer, nearer. Yellowed teeth and rancid breath flood my nostrils, and I squeeze my eyes shut in response to the saliva that drips down his chin.
This interview had been doomed for the start.
I turn to the camera. “Tell the world,” I try to say, but Billy has ripped the skin of my throat, and the last thing I see are his eyes. Bright. Dead. Black.
[END OF TRANSCRIPT]
Over to you!
Yes, it’s the reanimated Meg finishing off the living Meg’s interview. Billy wants me to tell you that he will gladly answer any of the questions you have about zombies and their life. He also wishes me to tell you that anyone, living or dead, who helps out with the “STOP STEREOTYPES” campaign, will be given free lodging at the local zombie inn at the Strip for three days.
Time enough to eat you. Mwahahahahaha!