Interview with a Zombie [Horror October]

Horror October @ Literary Excursion
Horror October is hosted by Leanne @ Literary Excursion — go check out her site!

Why horror?

Not many people know this, but I am a fan of horror. This was surprising even to me, because I didn’t use to like horror until recently, when I discovered that scaring the living daylights out of myself was kind of fun. My first horror film was Pan’s Labyrinth, which I watched when I was eleven or twelve, and I was scared shitless. I mean, I don’t even think the main genre for the film was horror, but there was one scene that absolutely scared everyone with whom I was watching with, which were my friends, who were around the same age I was. I mean, you can’t look at this picture, when you’re eleven, and not get nightmares:

Since then, I’ve always loved frightening myself, because it can be so hilarious to watch. It’s like, you’re invincible during the day, but at night, all the power you felt before vanished, without a trace. So, a huge thanks to Leanne @ Literary Excursion for creating such an awesome event for me to have fun with!

Today’s post is going to be an interview with a zombie, whom I feel are very misunderstood creatures. I was lucky enough to capture convince one of them to leave their natural habitat — which is usually in the dark alley of a busy street — and give us some insight into the life of a zombie. Below is what I could make out above the moans and groans.

First, what do we call you, Mr. Zombie?

Arghhhh… I used to beeeeee calleddddd Billlllyyyy — hrrrrrrnnn.

Hi, Mr. Billy! Okay, on to the next question. I think what everyone is wondering about right now is how did you die?

I caaaaaan’tt reallyyyy rememberrr — graaaahg — it had something to doooo with a aaaahhhh cup of coffeeeee. I draaank it as usual one morn — urp — ning, and I started feeeeeeeeling queerrrr about halfway throoouugh work. I must have passed… ouhhh — out, and then the nextttt thinggg I rememberrr is wakinggg up surrrounded by my brethrenn.

Good God, it must have been your wife!

My wiffeeee would neeeevveerrrr do — graeeekkk — anything like thaaaaaat, humaaan! Don’t make me eeaaaat yourrrr BRRAAAAAAINSS!

Calm the heck down, Bill. I was kidding. Hmm. A zombie apocalypse through some virus in the water, huh? Well then, would you mind sharing with us what you and your, ah, brethren do on a usual weekday?

Oouuurrrr favorriteee passttiime is people huntinggg. [At this point, Mr. Billy seems to regain a little bit of human speech. (Nah, I’ve just grown tired to recording down all his little grunts and zombie sounds.)] People hunting involves standing in the shadow of a tall building and then snatching anyone who walks by us. We have contests, see, to see who captures the most number of humans. The winner gets to — omnomhnomh [Billy chews on his dead fingers] — keep the skulls of these humans. The necromancer says whoever collects a hundred thousand skulls will get to rest in peace.

Whoa, hold up — necromancer? Who is this little jerk, screwing around with people’s deaths?

We don’t know who he is. He comes during hibernation and leaves us notes on pieces of dried meat. Sometimes we have to tear the zombie who ate the meat apart to get to the note. [Billy grins] Zombies aren’t as dumb as you think.

*swallows* How many skulls have you collected so far?

Only three. [Billy sighs]

So why do humans have the misconception that zombies are brainless creatures who eat brains?

We like to play dumb. It’s easier to catch humans that way. And eating brains does nothing to boost our intelligence. All it does is build up fat, really, which makes us slower and dulls our senses, a little like alcohol. But the brain is the best tasting part of the human body. Hmm!

Do you like being a zombie, Billy? Do you miss being human?

[Pause] Yes. I miss my wife, and my living life. But being a zombie has its perks: you don’t need to work to live. You don’t need to eat to live. You don’t need to worry about anything to live. All you need to do is stay out of the Zombie Lord’s way and moan and groan and act like how those stereotype zombies act like — which is absolutely degrading, let me tell you. We’ve even started a union to try to stop the spread of the “stereotypical zombies.” These groups of zombies think it’s cool to act the way human media has portrayed us. It’s degrading!

What are some tips you’d give to someone who wants to stay alive?

Avoid the Las Vegas Strip if you want to live to see another sunrise. [Billy grins evilly]

All right, then! Thanks for agreeing to this interview, Billy — I appreciate it lots. Hopefully this will raise human awareness to the dreadful “stereotypical zombies” movement, and–

Wait. I’m not finished yet.

Oh, um, yes, Bil–?

Billy lunges toward me; I try to duck, but I’m too late. I feel his grimy hands around my neck, his snapping jaws drawing nearer, nearer. Yellowed teeth and rancid breath flood my nostrils, and I squeeze my eyes shut in response to the saliva that drips down his chin. 

This interview had been doomed for the start. 

I turn to the camera. “Tell  the world,” I try to say, but Billy has ripped the skin of my throat, and the last thing I see are his eyes. Bright. Dead. Black.

[END OF TRANSCRIPT]

Over to you!

Yes, it’s the reanimated Meg finishing off the living Meg’s interview. Billy wants me to tell you that he will gladly answer any of the questions you have about zombies and their life. He also wishes me to tell you that anyone, living or dead, who helps out with the “STOP STEREOTYPES” campaign, will be given free lodging at the local zombie inn at the Strip for three days.

Time enough to eat you. Mwahahahahaha!

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36 thoughts on “Interview with a Zombie [Horror October]

  1. OMG BAHAHAHA I LOVE THIS INTERVIEW! Do you have any recs? I would appreciate them: http://bit.ly/18NCJ7a that’s just the link to a post I made about recs on my co-blog 😉 I am not a fan of horror unlike you, he whole idea of horror just freaks my out and makes me wanna hide under my blankets

    Thanks for sharing, hun! <33

    • I submitted in some recs. 😀 I love that Blythe did up the site for Halloween — Finding Fright in Books, haha! Yeah, I used to be strongly against horror as well, mainly because of my younger sister who can’t take it, but now that I’m older… *rubs hands*

    • BILL: Insults! You wait, Sana! One day, you’re going to wake up and realize that your house stinks of decay. The smell will be coming from you.
      MEG: Don’t piss him off. 😦 He’s a bit sensitive. But I’m so glad you liked the interview!

  2. hahaha THIS IS PURE GENIUS!
    Notes on pieces of dried meat? haha that’s so random! And ahhh the classic degrading pun 😉

    lol this is the second time I’ve seen you die in a blog post. Blogging seems to be bad for your health 😛

  3. Sorry Meg, but I hate my eyebags, and I’m really trying my best to get rid of them. I’m failing, but I want to fail because I’m doing something else, not staring at the ceiling in fear while my overactive imagination conjures horrific images. *shudder*

    And hiii Billlllll. I like the idea that you hate stereotypes. Stereotypes are boring, and I take pride in my difference. It’s nice to see that zombies also hate succumbing to peer pressure and try to be different.

    I also like the way that you lured Meg into a false sense of safety. For an undead creature that acts mindless, you’re a smart one, Bill. You know how to play people’s misconception of you guys.

    And as for Meg, well, Ghost Meg seems a little bit more pleasant, so I guess you did us a great service. I salute you.

    • LOL, be thankful I only showed you a picture and not a gif. 😉 That scene is MUCH more intense in the film than it is here. And Bill has something to say to you.

      BILL: Now here’s a youngster who has common sense! I’m half tempted to turn you into a zombie right now so you can help us out with the cause. Hmm… that isn’t a half-bad idea. *evil grin*
      MEG: Reanimated Meg is better than the living one?! *le gasp* I thought we were friends, Shannelle! How can you side with that ZOMBIE?!

  4. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MEG! DON’T BE EATEN!

    Oh wait, you’re reanimated? Ah, who cares then?! But um… can you not drool every time you see me because I’m starting to feel a little uncomfortable like you want to umm… eat me? Anyways, I’m so glad you got Billy to stop by and do this talk! (And that you translated his speech for us, because man he gets annoying after a bit 😉 ) I wish there would’ve been a Q&A afterwards though. I would’ve loved to know what he thought about the idea of a human falling in love with a zombie (and vice versa) like in Warm Bodies! Is it possible? DOES HE LOVE ME?!

    • *slurps up saliva* Whoops, sorry. All these humans smells make my salivary glands overreact. I can’t control it, because you look mighty tasty right now… >:) Haha, anyway, glad you enjoyed the interview! Yeah, he’s a pretty annoying character. Just look at what he did to ME!

      BILL: It’s a very interesting idea, but it’s a STEREOTYPE! Zombies don’t have feelings apart from extreme hunger and indignation at how the media has turned us into something we’re not. I don’t love my wife anymore. Or you. Unless you offer yourself as a snack.

  5. Pan’s Labyrinth! That was such a sad movie… I absolutely loved it.

    LOL! This was pretty much the funniest interview I’ve ever read. And I think it was the wife, too :D:D:D “We have contests, see, to see who captures the most number of humans.” LOLOLOL.

    • I watched it a while ago, but remember it being both sad and beautiful at the same time. Fantasy. ❤

      Definitely the wife! He's probably just sticking up for her because he's hoping his goodness might convince her to let him eat her willingly. 😉 Glad you enjoyed it, Cayce!

  6. NOOOO! I liked the living Meg 😦

    This interview was so fun to read, Meg! And the whole “stop the stereotype” thing is hilarious. I had no idea that zombies were taking offense to the bumbling, slobbering, brain-addicts that us living people write them to be 😛 (By the way, it was the wife. Definitely.)

    • It’s okay! I’m still alive… somewhat. 😉

      BILL: Of course we take offense! How would you feel like if aliens above thought you humans were dumb? And GRAHHHH — MY WIFE IS INNOCENT. I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND EAT YOUR BRAAAAAAINS.

  7. Well, hello Billy, but I’m going to call you Bill just because I can.

    I loved the interview Meg, hilarious! 😀 I’m a real scary pants when it comes to horror movies, but I do like books (when I’m not alone, at night, alone :p)

    • BILL: I don’t mind Bill. It makes me kind of nostalgic, though, because my wife used to call me that… *gazes off into distance*
      MEG: Yay, Mel! Haha, I’m not much different either. It’s just that I’m really hard to scare when it comes to books. No reason why!

  8. *runs in terror away from zombie Meg*

    I think that even in zombie form, you will try to fight stereotypes by abducting unsuspecting people! I am totally afraid of horror but props for loving it. I have never watched a scary movie and I plan to keep it that way. Zombie Bill sounds awesome, can we maybe get him to write a guest post? 😉 You need to unify and get support against zombie stereotypes!

    • *chases, but trips over own feet* GOSHDARNIT, I HATE THESE FLOPPY ZOMBIE LEGS. 😉

      Haha, maybe next October. I’m sure he’ll be much friendlier now that I’m a zombie — no human flesh to distract him now. Bill wants me to tell you that the zombies are planning a rally at one of the alleys, and if you could make it, that would be wonderful.

      Just… try not to get bitten, okay?

  9. THIS IS SO AMAZING! I love it 😀 Especially the “We’ve even started a union to try to stop the spread of the “stereotypical zombies.”” thing. I literally laughed out loud! And I didn’t know Pan’s Labyrinth was horror.. I thought it was some kind of fantasy, boring stuff… I think I’ll watch it! I’ve been looking for good horror movies lately.

    • Glad you did, Eve! Billy is kind of sensitive when it comes to this kind of thing, so it’s best if you kept any thoughts about how utterly ridiculous the campaign to yourself. 😉 And yep, Pan’s Labyrinth is a mixture of horror, paranormal, and mythology, I think. Well, even if it doesn’t fall into the horror genre, it can get pretty creepy and dark.

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  11. *runs around screaming* OH MY GOSH….ZOMBIESSSSSSSSS….I have to be honest and say that Zombies are much, much better than Vampires or Werewolves for some reason! I LOVED reading this interview! It was great…but you should’ve run from Billy! I knew he wasn’t to be trusted from the start!

    Rita xx

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